Peace and Time: Married but Separated: Shining Light in the Grey Area

This is a topic that has come up in my circle of life a lot with family, friends, friends that are counselors, experts that I know, life coaches, pastors, personal experiance, etc. Marriage is real and a lot of work. I won’t get into a holy union as I definitely believe it is and should be to all; but some people don’t get married for that particular reason; and this topic is not about my personal feelings. It is however a legal union for sure. That filed and stamped piece of paper says a lot without saying a lot.

If you have never been married please read on emotions, feelings, and work to maintain a marriage; and recovering from a divorce/separation to give some context behind the thoughts of a married but separated person before diving into this.

With that being said…Let’s get into it.

This topic is not to judge anyone, advocate for divorce, or evaluate individual situations to advocate for a green light or a soft pass. Everyone that is married but separated has their reasons, and not everyone is lying or have malicious intent. However, if you are in this situation or have been thinking about it, this insert is to encourage you to be cautious and not entertain it.

We should know morally, don’t start a relationship with someone that is married, but it happens. Period. When you are married, but separated it’s for a reason. It could be tax benefits, health insurance, an emotional break, finances, he/she wants half the house and can’t afford it, the kids, irreconcilable differences, etc. One of the main reasons to avoid “Mr. or Mrs. Married but Separated” is there is no time limit on being in that status. You can’t marry that person legally. Either way you look at it, it’s an unhealthy situation and you have to be careful not to allow yourself to entertain that man or woman for various reasons that they may know deep down within themselves. The mindset of “When you’re divorced, THEN let’s do this” will save you a lot of time, avoidance of drama, and stress.

No matter what you are being told ( “I’m leaving my wife/husband”, “I plan on being with only you. I just have to do xyz” “I don’t love her/him..I love you”…”just give it some more time” …and then months later you may get the pillow talk of “I don’t want to leave my kids” “I decided to work things out with my wife/husband because xyz” etc..and the list goes on…and now you’re heart broken, confused, and have grown so attached to the point you’re the side chick or side dude now cause you can’t let go…even though now the truth has come out. Then we get into respect and respecting yourself which is a topic for another day😉 )

The point is the “married but separated” status can be INDEFINITE. If you are that man that has fallen in love and wants to propose…you may be waiting indefinitely with excuse after excuse. If you are that woman that has fallen in love and want that proposal…you may be waiting indefinitely with excuse after excuse.

Again…There may be no malicious intent and the excuses may be true, but some people rationalize to themselves after a while of being separated; or at any point become selfishly lonely and into their feelings to have love again, sex again, etc to the point where it becomes ok “for them” to rationalize it’s fine to be with another person because they are “separated” from their marriage….and guess what happens…you end up coming along for the ride.

This situation is not fair for either party emotionally, and it is encouraged that the person that is married not entertain relationships until they are officially divorced; and have resolved any physical, psychological, and emotional attachments as well. That’s hard, but to protect yourself and the other relationship you are entering it would be a healthy start to a good foundation when those steps are done.

If that psychological and emotional attachment is still there, maybe concentrate and clean up whatever situation you have in the marriage to move forward (hopefully it works to reconciliation), if not…get divorced, heal, then move forward. This is not an insert to encourage divorce, but if you get to point of all else failed in your marriage and you want to move forward with someone else…finalize it. Then entertain relationships.

For the people that are single: She/He can look gorgeous or handsome as 💎…they can seem to have all the right qualities..Christian or good religious spiritual background, goes to church, a career, assets, the finest of the finest, everything you wanted etc, ….and this is not to say people that are married but separated are evil and liars etc (even though some people are good liars..not truly separated…not even close to a divorce…taking care of a happy family somewhere else while entertaining and taking care of you too…just being honest here.) I am saying: be cautious of this situation and don’t entertain it. Your peace of mind and time is priceless; and once your emotions get entangled it’s going to be very hard to let go.

This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with this person, but it does mean you both have to make a choice to start with a solid foundation that will greatly increase the likelihood of a successful union. Research states the choice is usually waiting until divorced and the dust has settled to start something new.

We can go deeper, but the most important point is: Remember married but separated equals “I’m still married” That means at any point he or she can leave you and reconcile. For Christian’s that are obedient to the Word of God:  1 Corinthians 7:10-11 speaks on this. Follow and you will be fine. To every choice there is a good or bad consequence. Choose wisely. As always: Just keeping it true and real. 🥂to Peace, Health, and Time.

*This was something in my spirit that needed to be given to others*

Comments and thoughts to help others are welcome.